killeroy-nl

Well.. Okay. I'm having a little trouble realizing that this is my page and I can write whatever the hell I want here. Also I've always been hesitant in sharing my thoughts and feelings, at least before considering if the person receiving the info would care or be able to show compassion. I'm not sure at all where I want to go with this, but at the moment I just feel like typing all of this down.

Anyway, I feel that, as a person, I'm kind of "broken". Like I'm missing some part that a lot of other people do have. It takes a lot of time for me to actually get close to and trust people.. Occasionally there's someone that really interests me, and I try really hard to get close to them, but I probably overdo it. Especially if it's a girl. I'm also REALLY scared to get replaced by other people and unfortunately, tend to panic and get clingy at times.

I feel this is mostly because I spent most of my time as a kid hiding from people, because my dad wasn't a "father", and if I were to play outside, I'd usually get bullied- and I didn't want to run into any trouble. 

I was usually alone in my room, either drawing or playing video games. I never had more than one or two friends at the same time, or at least less than a handful as far as I remember. It is hard for me to trust people, since one of the people that was supposed to be a fatherfigure, was the one that hit me and scolded me, even if I didn't do anything wrong, just because he thought I did. If I said I didn't do something, I'd get hit, or I'd be kept in ''questioning'' almost for even longer.

It was easier to just say "Yes, daddy." (because just "Yes" wasn't good enough.), to avoid getting hit and be ''released'' earlier.

I'm not proud of it, but I really started to hate him as I grew up. Whenever he was around "the family" (me, my little brother, and my mother), he would be a grumpy, beer drinking jerk (the reason why I stayed in my room all the time). Whenever someone would visit, though, his mood would take do a 180 and he'd be the most cheerful guy in town, even acting nice to us. This confused the hell out of me at first, whenever they left he'd turn back to normal though. So I started seeing it as an act and wouldn't change my mood to reflect his anymore whenever someone was over. In fact, I'd usually walk away so I wouldn't have to see him be all buddy-buddy with whoever was around.

As the years went by, our ''relationship'' only got worse. I got incredibly stressed whenever he came home, especcially when I stayed home from school, not simply because I didn't want to go, but because I started not wanting to be around humans in general. I never got out of the house, I hardly ever joined my mom/family on trips (when I was old enough, I'd stay home by myself while the rest of my family went to the campsite we went to for about 12 years I think), and most of all, I don't think I ever shared anything about how I felt, or what I thought with my family. Not my mom or brother either. This cause me to get increasingly distant from everyone and anyone.

Then at some point I made a friend at a campsite, he was playing video games on a portable screen in the summer, and it seemed like something I would do, so I kind of boldly went up to their spot and asked him what he was playing. We became friends and he eventually introduced me to someone that would get me into the group of friends I have today. I think that really was a turning point for me. I have a small group of people I really trust a lot among them, and I've started sharing my feelings and thoughts a bit with some of them. It's still very difficult for me, not just because of my dad, but also because of an ex girlfriend. I won't name her.

Basically, at the start of our relationship, she was very interested in my side of things as well, though after a while, things started to be all about her. She'd tell me things she wanted me to change, do, say, etc. Sometimes even if I did said things, it wasn't good enough. (Ex: If she's sad, comfort her. If I comforted her, she'd get angry and wanted to be left alone. If I left her alone, she'd get angry about me not comforting her.)

This gradually got worse, until I was seriously emotionally drained and clueless as to what I had to do to make her happy, and also, things I couldn't do because I was so confused mentally and insecure as I always have been. Eventually I had help from my best friend and her only real/best friend I suppose to break up with her. They knew what the relationship was doing to me and my mental state.

The only thing I can say in hindsight was I was blinded by love. Because I did really love her. But Mark (my best friend) was right. He told me time and time again that I should leave her, and I was too blind/stubborn to see that it really wasn't go anywhere. "If I just try harder", I thought. I'll admit he was right to get annoyed whenever I came back with another snarky comment she made, or another fight we had. I just couldn't see it, and I'm sorry I didn't listen to you.

Now, I've been single ever since her, though I have liked/do like (I don't even know anymore) a girl I'm friends with, but I know she doesn't like me back because I've confessed to her a couple of months ago. Though things have been up and down (feelings of closeness one moment and feelings of distance the next), lately I feel things are going better between us (as friends). This makes me happy. I also find it somewhat reassuring that at least I haven't lost the ''ability'' of liking someone, or trusting in people.

That's another something I get scared about because of that ex. Telling people things I think about them. My ex would explode anytime I tried to tell her something I didn't exactly appreciate for example. And I think you can tell by the way I worded that, that I chose my words extremely carefully while talking to her. So after a while I figured that it was useless and just bottled things up and kept them to myself. Which is an extremely stupid thing to do. 

As horrible as these experiences were, I've learned a lot from that ex. I've tried to not let people walk right over me as much, and tried stating my thoughts on things, and behaviors I may not like. As hard as it is for me, I am trying to grow.

I may continue writing/editing this, but I can't really continue at this moment. I need to get some fresh air or something.